Uncertainities

Uncertainities : they are all around me.
Looking ahead, back everything is uncertain.
What is goign to happen, or why it happened this way, everythign looks vague.


I am going back home in two weeks.
Good.
Whats next.. it is uncertain...
What with my stay in Bangalore, uncertain...
Where to look for the house, uncertain...


But there is some funny uncertaninties too.
Today I forgot to comb my hair.
And my coworkers complimented my 'new look' !!!
What made them like it... uncertain !!!

Wish I Could Cry...

I am full with emotions, uncertainties, fear of loss, loneliness and missing all the good things I had for granted..
I see blankness.
I can feel that the emotions are so powerful to make me numb.
All my thoughts lead me nowhere..
I am down..


I want to cry...
Cry out till I'll be settled...
I want to wash all my fear and sorrows with tears...
Want to sleep light hearted...

I can not cry in front of others.
Especially those I love, I care..
I can't make them feel that I am sad...
Because they will be sad to see me sad...
And I can not make them sad.
All I try is to make them happy, tell them, make them feel they are treasured, and give all the happiness material and emotional.
I know that what I take as love, care, happiness may not be same for them.
But that's the best I can think of...

World see me a happy guy.
Always smiling bright boy...
That's the compliment I receive...
Because that's the way I want the world to see me.
The real me... nope, only I meet him.
Always share a laugh never a tear..
I can not...

And when I feel that I am not upto the expectations....
Not the way they want me to be...
Can not keep up the demands of it...
It makes me feel sad and down...
I want to cry to wash it away...

Love..
That's the biggest strength and weakness...
And the feeling of being loved, makes me full and I want to cry...
Tears of joy...

Oh man, I want to cry, but not able to...
Wish I could cry...

I Am Finding Myself....

When you are alone and nothing much to do, it is best time to find yourself..
Well, that's what I do these days.
Who am I ? what am I ???
I am trying to find the answer to these question.
It is not like going into deep meditation and getting Nirvana.
My life is much simpler to explore !!!
With help from my friends, I am finding out myself.

My goal is not to find the question of eternity or the cause why God sent me to this world from Heaven.
Much a simpler question, What I mean to others, especially to the ones I am close to.
And I was pleasantly surprised to see that few value me a lot as a friend, mentor and more...
I touched them the way I never thought...
It feels good to be treasured.


All these was needed when I felt that I am a loser and there is no meaning to my life and relations which I think most valued.
( But my friends didn't know till now, why I asked them to tell me what I mean to them !!! )
If someone likes me, loves me the way I behave, talk to them than the real me, me as the person I am, then what is the point...
When I do something they won't approve of or like, and that means the end of all the love, closeness, affection towards me till date, that is not acceptable.
How long one can expect me to be good to them ( though I never ever try to be intentionally, I love just being myself, thank God many like me that way ).
I am sorry, I can not act with your directions.
If you feel that is the end of story between us, I am sorry, but can't change myself or my life for you.
Better be lonely than unhappy... ;)

So if you decide I am no longer lovable, acceptable, all I can say is I am sorry, but can't help it....
And when I have a few who really love me the way I am, why should I be bothered...
And if you make it a point to leave me, fine, go ahead.
I am not asking you to return all the favours.
If you ever found me good to you, it was not becuse I expect you to be good to me, now or later.
That was the way I found you, thats why I love you.
If you love me conditionally, it is your problem, I can not make myself within your conditions all the time...